


180 Days Of Life &Death

by Ailbe_Byrne



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: 180, Brain Cancer, Cancer, Death, Epic, Fanfiction, Harry Styles - Freeform, Infinity, Louis Tomlinson - Freeform, Love, Lungs Cancer, Tragedy, fall - Freeform, fly, life - Freeform, one direction - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-02
Updated: 2014-09-02
Packaged: 2018-02-15 21:08:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2243577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ailbe_Byrne/pseuds/Ailbe_Byrne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prologue:<br/>It's funny how could life give you everything you need in 180 days and the death take it all back in minutes, I'm one of those who always dreamed about the day I think about someone and found myself smiling just to remember his smile, one that caught my heart to his one endlessly and unlimitedly with out no conditions, I was dreaming with pure love the one I kept read about it in romantic novel books, the one I watched in romantic movies and the one I heard in those tragedy romantic songs that rhymed love into lyrics… but I never dreamed about him being Harry Styles not for any reason but he was nowhere from my wildest dreams.<br/>I knew this love only going to end me up with the breaking that the whole medication and rehabs wouldn't fix… I tried, I really tried not to fall but my heart wanted to fall, my hearted wanted to love with the whole pain he had to handle later… 'cause there's no way I was falling and there's no way I was going to break.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. CHAPTER ONE

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note:  
> Well, I don't like swearing or 'dirty' sense; it's completely cleared of these two.  
> Special thanks to Maggie& Robbin Who I hope hopefully see my message on there Tumblr blog where they had published their Fanfiction CMIF for the first time, I'm in love with it-xxAB.  
> Try to enjoy my version of CMIF, that how reorganized this fanfiction hopefully Maggie & Robbin wouldn't mind some fan girl rewriting.  
> A Fanfiction Based on The Fault in Our Stars- by John Green, Also Catch Me I'm Falling- by Maggie & Robbin

December 17th –Day1  
Everybody have this event in his life that change his life forever it's shouldn't be for the best and it shouldn't be for the worse… the event might be bad itself and it also could be the best thing that ever happened in our wasted lives.  
For me it was the cancer ward, I loved the new me who born just after facing it, I loved the fact I can understand those kids who had no one to listen them or maybe someone who could understand them in the right way, and those who had no idea where cancer took them in life so they simply lost between all of those feels of fear and worry, I loved that cancer which made me find the answer for the most complicated question in our life so many people had lost contact with that question I didn't thought about 'till I was too close to fall that question is: what I'm doing with my life? I'm blessed by having cancer 'cause I know now what I was meant to be doing with my life.  
The cancer was the same reason that made me meet Harry Styles on 17th December, that evening I gave his manila as he become my new patient, I swear nothing looked interesting that cloudy evening.  
Heavier than normal was his file full of papers… I wasn't really interesting about reading his file not because anything else but I never liked build a back ground for my patients… I wanted them to give it to me; I wanted them to inform me of what they wanted me to know about them for the first meeting, no expectation.  
I entered his hospital room with my cheery smile on as i prepared for good first impression by acting so friendly putting myself in the danger of getting refused, but usually it help… to act as if you knew someone for the whole time even if you don't they just needed to trust you and I just give the reason to do, at least the reason that make them think I'm no dangerous on their already unsteady life.  
He was laying half-upright in his bed, his bright green eyes glued to his phone screen that sitting between his long fingers, his face was drawn and pale, he had beautiful chocolaty curly hair that was wiped into one side that slid softly on his forehead, he got those cute front big teeth.  
'Hello' I said as I hugged my clipboard tighter to my chest as I said softly with smile:' I'm Louis.'  
He didn't move his hand away as he said:' Hello' I said:' I'm the…' he cut me off as he said:' you are the therapist' he looked at me saying:' I know'.  
I surprised for a little while then I remembered I had this reaction before it wasn't new any way, everybody who wanted someone to listen acted the same way but really no one wanted to open up I understand they need time to trust me ' I'm here to listen to you, whatever what you ever wanted to say'.  
'You aren't the first, you know?' I nodded with smile.  
My mind put a wall front his tries of breaking me down, he would sure do this for testing me if I can take all his pain and fears away or I'll fall down in the first meet with them he wants to make sure I'm not going to run away any where else… so he had to push on me.  
I pulled up a blue armchair as I said:' do you mind if I sit?' he shrugged:' no, go head'.  
I sit on it crossing my legs underneath me I pulled out a book it was Danielle's gift for me for my birthday- that a bit early for gifts- The Fault in Our Starts by John Green, I read the first pages of the Author notes and the comments about the book then I stole looks at him, I tried to read him… understand him got effected by something about him as he –in the other hand choice to ignore my existence, gluing his eyes to the screen as if he tried really hard he might be make a hole through it.  
He looked small in his blankets, but there's no way he got strong shoulder supported by pile of pillows… he looked as if the death is just the fact he living now… waiting for the unwelcome guest patiently.  
'If you wanna talk about anything and everything you know you can, I'm keeping secrets for patient confidentially so don't you be worry' I leaned on my knees trying to get closer to him but he didn't pay attention… he just mumbled unclear words mean:' I know'.  
I nodded accepting this as answer of 'no' if he didn't want to talk I'm not going to push him to, I give Danielle's book full attention now I opened the last page of the book… there was a picture of the writer John Green and some other works for him… sorry I didn't have the full experience of reading you works yet… I finally found where the story ends:  
' What else? She is so beautiful. You don’t get tired of looking at her. You never worry if she is smarter than you: You know she is. She is  
Funny without even being mean. I love her. I am so lucky to love her, Van Houten. You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world,  
Old man, but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices. I hope she likes hers.  
I do, Augustus.  
I do.'  
Urhrm… what I can get from those words?!! Seems like words from diary or something, does some one gonna die?! Danielle what's the story behind this book? What do you wanna me to catch?  
I opened the last pages when, I felt the book took outta of my hand, he was Harry who did that he said in serious tone:' can you please read the book from the first page to the last one as regular human do?' I was a bit surprised of his reaction ' I don't wanna waste my time on something might be silly'.  
'Why you bought it so?' he asked questioning as he looked at me for answer.  
'I didn't but someone bought me as a birthday gift' he looked me saying:' how can someone trust you when you doing this?!'  
'Doing what?' I said watching him as he looked at the book reading the notes and the comments in quick look.  
'Being such stealer who steal looks from the end just to get idea about the book so you can say you had read it all, I don't think she would like that' he looked at the first page.  
'How did you know she's a girl?' he looked at me saying:' sorry she wrote words for you in the being but really couldn't read her name clearly' he's so smart… I didn't even saw Danielle's words.  
'I like that book!' he looked at me as he said:' Can you read it out loud for me?'  
I smiled saying:' sure'  
I opened the first pages as I cleared my throat starting reading the first lines:  
'Late in the winter of my seventeenth year, my mother decided I was depressed, presumably because I rarely left the house, spent quite a lot  
Of time in bed, read the same book over and over, ate infrequently, and devoted quite a bit of my abundant free time to thinking about death.  
Whenever you read a cancer booklet or website or whatever, they always list depression among the side effects of cancer. But, in fact,  
Depression is not a side effect of cancer. Depression is a side effect of dying. (Cancer is also a side effect of dying. Almost everything is,  
Really) But my mom believed I required treatment, so she took me to see my Regular Doctor Jim, who agreed that I was veritably swimming  
In a paralyzing and totally clinical depression, and that therefore my meds should be adjusted and also I should attend a weekly Support  
Group'  
My electronic notebook went crazy as the hour I should spend with him just over, I said:' time up' he said:' good I was tired' I smiled as I gathered my things  
'I'll see you next week, and you know you still can always tell me whatever' I took out a note paper as I wrote my phone number down on theme I stick it on his notebook as I said:' this is my phone number you call me when ever you felt like want to talk'  
'I don't think I would need it' he said looking to his phone again, ' just in case you felt like you need to talk you would have it… I answer anytime so don't worry'.  
I smiled toward him but he was no where to notice, something about him was so special, something I can't tell what… but he's hard to be cracked should I wonder if he able to be cracked? I just hope he would let me take over his hand and help him through his time of need.  
January 24th-Day8  
I came in to the small bakeshop where Danielle working… Danielle by the way is my flat mate Liam girlfriend, we kinda of best friend too, she's my favorite between all Liam's girlfriends.  
I was in hurry actually I was late to be here with Danielle and Liam, I took my coat off, as Danielle tossed on one of the chairs as Liam lead me to the table where rested a birthday cake on caught my name on.  
'Blow it off and make wish' said Liam leading when Danielle looked at him saying:' we didn't sing to him!!' I said:' Danielle I'm in hurry' she said:' how many times you got birthday in the year?!!'  
Everybody in the bakeshop singed with Danielle and Liam, as I stood in the middle  
'Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you dear Louis Happy Birthday to you' I made my wish in my head then blow the candles off, when looked at my electronic note… I was late on Harry's visit.  
'Sorry I have to go I'm late' Danielle said stopping me:' you won't leave before take a piece of your Birthday cake Tomlinson!' I said:' hey, I'm really late' she said:' I'll bring them so you can share him with your next patient, alright Good idea, huh?'  
I smiled wiped my hair away in side as she went to the kitchen put them into a box for me, she came in hurry saying:' I made it by myself you can't not to taste it' I said:' I'll promise'.  
I smiled as waved toward her walking back to the hospital which a way few blocks.  
I opened Harry's hospital room I was trying to make some planes to push him into conversationally talk this week, but my birthday was good thing to change the routine he lives into this room.  
'Hello' I said smiling toward him he did no reaction for my hello he was even holding his phone again, I just took a seat next to him, he noticed my overwhelmed happiness and I can read by his looks he was searching why?  
I just killed his curious as I said:' hope you would like to share me my cake' he looked at me questioning when I opened the box the smell of the fresh backing was delicious; I offered him a plastic fork.  
'What is this?' he said that in questions running in his head, I said clear it all:' well, funny thing it's my birthday and I have no time in Christmas Eve so my friends made small fast party not to miss the occasion, but there was no time for eating cake so she just put it into box for me to share you it later'  
'Oh got it!' I offered the fork again saying:' don't tell me you hate cake, now' he smiled saying:' I was a bakery' I said:' cool you have to make Danielle she's the one who made this cake'  
I was grateful 'cause he just told me information about him that I didn't ask for; he's not that hard to crack as I start to thought.  
'Like it?' I asked looking at him when he nodded saying:' thank Danielle for this delicious cake' I said:' I'll'  
I tried to remove the chocolate smear away from his lips, I took out a tissue wiping the chocolate away, he looked at me for a bit while I said nearly whispering:' thank Danielle' Harry took the tissue outta of my hand clean the smears himself.  
'thank you for the cake and happy birthday for you' I smiled when he sit the same sit as he was before my present… texting some one on his phone, he turn back his walls I was so close to him before a minute… he still need time to make decision about the fact of me existence in his life.  
I covered the cake as I put the forks a side as I said:' do you think we could talk this time?' he said in carefree tone:' talk about?'  
'You can talk about yourself' I came up, when he chuckled not looking at me saying:' you can read my file' I said:' I can do it but I want you to tell me what you want me to know'.  
'Such a lazy therapist' he said without take his eyes away from his phone.  
'Actually I don't like to have expectations about someone I never knew before i like to make my own thoughts not take it out from files' I replied, trying not to let his attitude not to get me, he had cancer for the God's sake of course he would treat everybody this way… he allowed to attitude like this no blame in this.  
He finally looked at me then I felt like my answer was good somehow that made him turn to me, stop trying to born a hole in the phone screen.  
'You here 'cause I'm depressed' he said the word with sound of malice, sound of mocking annoyance, like he give me the message you know nothing about me and it would take you the whole world have to get it… he hated the word, it doesn't belong to him and so meaningless. 'Because I should somehow be fine when I got six months to live with horrible brain tumor at eighteen with another medical affect that worse than the cancer itself, somehow I'm expected to be fine and happy'  
His voice shacked with last few words revealing the pain and hurt he had 'cause of his situation, it was the most truth thing he tell me about himself since I met him, I said softly putting my hand on his:' no one said you should be happy about your cancer' I replied my heart raced with his shivering hand, only six month!...180 days before his heart stop beating no one would be happy about.  
'But you seem to me as if given up trying to beat your tumor, I wonder why that?' I said trying to keep my voice softly 'cause I knew he's angry… angry from all what happen to him… it wasn't normal and it was all wrong to be in four walls and strange bed waiting death to take all over… this is can't be right it was dying 'till the death comes.  
'You know what some people live full life of events and all, but there truly time they were happy at countable and every other moment wasted on nothing but fighting worries and fears, plans and sadness, so really you still have chance to live real life, you can't simply give up about this' I said.  
He looked at me wiped his tears as he said:' you have no idea how does it feel like, do you? I mean feeling like you can't count down to the day you gonna die in, I have only 180 days left for me and I wouldn't say to live 'cause I'm already dead, since the day they diagnosed me I did die' his voice cracked as he said:' I'm going to lose me and no one can do anything about it, they can only watch me dying'.  
I shook my head slowly on his response; maybe felt a bit shocked 'cause of his sudden admission. Since I started this job I understood many things about dying, not because I was too close to it but because I've been watching happen over and over again, there's many people have no idea what death was like but I'm not one of them I always was in the seen when it goes to take over. 'because of what I'm doing I've seen seven kids die, I still can list their names, age, what they diagnosed?, how did they looked like, their birthdays, and the day they had to leave life leaving scar that would never know how it feel like to have it, but I do' I gave him solid look hoping I was getting into him, my hope was raised I mean before few hours he wouldn't even look at me and now he was telling me about his worse fears, I hoped that what I was touching… I hope that was his soul that become jaded and tired years ago. 'Trust me I have idea how it's like' his eyes daring me in unsure to respond.  
'What's like?' his mouth said slowly I can feel the fear from know the answer and the curious in his voice.  
I took deep breath and said:' it's like watching someone falling off train and you try to catch him but the rain made your grasp weaker, and you try hard to hold on 'cause you are his last chance and somehow you don't wanna lose him either 'cause he has part of you, but what matter what, you can't help him from falling all you can do is make it late that's all'  
'I don't know what is like to die, Harry but I knew what is like to watch someone's heart stop, when I'm as sure as the sky above I can't save you but God damn it if I didn't try to hold you back as I can'.  
His voice cracked as he looked at me with smile that hides much pain and sadness through 'Death like falling.'  
'Excuse me?' I asked not sure of what he meant, he looked at my eyes saying:' dying like falling' smile didn't leave playing on his lips, that expression was different as if he found something lost, some answer he waited for a life time to hear it… it was joy what showed on him.  
'You can see the end of the fall, and you know you gonna hit it hard but you can't help it'  
'That doesn't mean you can't enjoy the fall itself' I said with smile trying to add some to this conversation.  
He didn't turn the smile but sinking in his pillow 'something I supposed to'  
I sat back on my chair as I said:' is there anything you would like to talk about?'  
He shook his head, looking outta of the window it was raining now, I looked at the time in my electronic note as I said:' time for me to leave, and 'till next week you can think about something to tell me, all right?'  
He nodded wiped some tears away, I didn't wanna push on him more than he already did, I wanted the time let him do it, and somehow I reach point this week, he was so hard to crack last one but this week he talked to me and this is a progress.  
I just have to be patient with him I have to let him have the right chance to trust me and I know I can, I wouldn't let myself think about any other options for him, I turned to leave 'okay, see you next week, have beautiful night'.  
He said:' still 10 minutes, why you are leaving?' it wasn't attitude of nothing but as if he didn't want me to leave or my head wanted me to feel as if he really would I said:' if you didn't want to talk I don't wanna bother you staying for nothing' he looked to the light above his head when he said biting his lower lip as he searched for something he opened his notebook out, he extracted something… it was my phone number that I wrote for him last week, he said with smile:' Does the offer availed yet?' I smiled as I said:' anytime, you want I'll answer'.  
He nodded put it back in the drawer, I walked to the doorway, I turn to have final look over him he back to his phone I turn back to my way when he said:' oh wait!' I back to him wondering what's wrong when he said:' good night, Louie' I think the look on my face was too stupid 'cause he smiled at, I nodded smiling ' good night too, Harry' I was about to take my way again when I said:' you know what Harry? I think you gonna survive'.  
The expression on his face lighted up with true smile as if he make sure he heard that right, I think he can fight… he can save the last 180 days of his life with little sparkle that might be shine his whole life soon.  
The boy was not just sad and hard to crack, he was also mix of charming and cuteness, cheeky yeas… and helplessly adorable for known and unknown reasons, that smile he gave me made me make a promise if this gonna be the last thing I would do in my life I would only make smile just like this once more.  
It started raining as I walked out of the hospital door, I couldn't find any cabs to home so I walked to Liam's and I flat.  
When I came in Liam walked toward me as he heard me 'Liam I'm home' he was sitting on the couch when he looked at me over his seat, he notice my wetness clothes when he said in shock:' are you crazy?! You walked under the rain?' I said as he tried helping me to take off my wet coat:' couldn't find any cabs home, he said:' why you didn't call me to pick you up?' I said:' I didn't think about it that time' he shook his head as he brings me dry towel and dry warm clothes.  
I was in Liam & main flat I was covered with blanket on the couch, Liam dim the light for me to relax as I was feeling flu getting into me, Liam put hot chocolate on the coffee table as he said nearly whispering:' do you wanna do anything else for you?' I said:' its okay Liam, what time is it?' he said:' it's one morning, are you okay?' I said:' yea' he said:' I think you are trying to be pretending you are but I think you caught cold' Liam was being Liamish acting like dad not emotional but care.  
My phone ranged saving me from this conversation about being fine, I answered it was unknown number I said:' hey' I tried to sound fine but my voice was shakily I was totally sick, I heard Harry's husky and deep voice saying:' is it Louie?' I said:' yea, it's me' he said:' it's Harry' I said:' hey Harry' I was surprised and happy to listen his voice actually I didn't expected him to call soon I said:' you okay?' he said:' yea, did I wake you up?' I said:' no, I didn't go bed yet' he said:' your voice sounds like sleepy' I said:' actually I got flu so my voice changed a bit' he smiled between breaths when he said:' get well soon then, you told me I can talk anytime I want to' I said:' I know, thank you 'cause you took my offer' Liam said:' who's this?' I said moving to my own room putting the warm blanket around me ignoring Liam:' So do you wanna talk about…' he said:' did you ever felt something bad going to happen and then it really did?' I said:' I donnu what do you mean Harry' he said:' I knew I'm gonna die soon… before I diagnosed I had this feel like I'm gonna get sick and die, it was so strong feel that I didn't surprised when they told me about my brain tumor' I said:' Harry don't over think about such things that it up to fate' he said:' this is all my life about now I can't not to think about it, it's what I got' I said:' it's what you want to got, Harry… you still have a chance' .  
He said:' tell me about you' I was laying on my bed covering with my blankets and it was warm under them, I said:' what you wanna hear?' he said softly:' what you can tell' I didn't like to talk about myself 'cause I'll have to spell my secrets out of my mouth but I was ready to tell him everything I had in my own life… I was ready to share him everything I have, I said:' I born in Doncaster 24th December 1991 I'm the older brother for 4 sisters and one baby boy'.  
I stopped for a while when he hummed for more I smiled getting warmer under blankets… I felt as if he was lying next to me as if we bodied intertwined somewhere could never visit.  
I said:' my mom called Jay; I'm living with my flat mate who named Liam who works as a fire fighter and he has a girlfriend named Danielle who works in coffee shop, he get angry when I become careless about cleaning the flat with him 'cause he really get tired gathering things behind the missy me and I do a lot'.  
He chuckled when I smiled too I stopped not sure if I had to tell him the following part when he said:' Yea, then?'  
'I was thirteen…' I wasn't sure if Harry should be listening the following story 'cause it was sad for me and I didn't know any other way to tell it to make it feel better but I can't…this morning when the doctor came in smiled sadly at me as he asked mom to follow him when the doctor had come in with a stern expression and talked to my mother in hushed tones and she’d looked at me and just cried. In many ways it had been the most important day of my life, the day that turned me into me and make me who I'm today, I finally said simply:' I diagnosed with lymphoma'.  
I didn't say any world later I let him get what I just said, think about it and down it from the air, when I said slowly:' everything was telling me I'm dying… no way I'm leaving this world doctors words, meds doses that become huger everyday, my body which went skinner I was only 98 pound even with my hair which I lost it all and heading in and out of hospital and almost spending year of time life in there… even with all of this I never let it get this feel of losing get into me, I was telling myself if I ever gave up I'm going to be hopeless and with being hopeless I'm going to get depressed and I couldn't let Cancer win not like if he can turn my family into sad one and caught my life to his own I would let him go with it…I had to win this fight so I pushed myself to believe I had a chance and to hold on'  
'So that's why you do what are you doing now?' he said slowly i wanted to se his face that moment I wanted to know how does he feel about me now, how does the effecting look on his face just after what I told.  
'I guess so, I wanted to help someone I wanted to save him and help him to survive even when I'm sure I can't save everybody but I can always try, if I did then it all will be worth it'.  
He didn't say anything back he just breathed steady soft breath, I closed my eyes…I can feel him breathing and it’s the only thing in the room.  
'Do you think you can save me?' he murmured when I said softly:' I can always try and do my best I just need you to believe that I can then I will'  
'I think you are saving me Louis Tomlinson' my heart raced as he forces my lips to play a smile on them as it feel like he just gave me his hand to catch him from falling away, it's my turn now to be hold on his hand as tight as I ever can, it's up to me to save him now, I tried to say anything but all my answers died in my throat it was nowhere to be out.  
'Have you read my file?' he said slowly I said:' no, not yet' he said softly:' I want you to read it' I said not sure what I might find in those manila pages about him what might be caught:' okay'.  
'Louis?'  
'Would you sing to me to sleep?'  
I was confused 'cause I never been singer 'I can't sing'  
'Try'  
I finally gave up saying whispery: 'what song you wanna I sing to you?' I needed a lullaby with hopefully lyrics.  
'Anything you want.' There was a smile in his words, warm and nearly tangible. There was something about him that calmed me, soothed my often frazzled brain and made everything okay, like nothing else important in the whole world.  
I took a deep breath, starting to sing in a soft voice, not wanting to wake Liam. I was fairly sure I was off pitch and my voice slid uncomfortably up to the high notes, but I had a feeling Harry didn’t mind and so I didn’t either.

'When you try your best but you don’t succeed, when you get what you want, but not what you need.' I let my eyes drift closed, sliding back into the folds of my sheets. 'When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep, stuck in reverse.'

'When the tears come streaming down your face, when you lose something you can’t replace, when you love someone but it goes to waste, could it be worse?'

I stared up at my ceiling, the notes treading the line between song and whisper. And when I spoke them they weren’t just words but promises as if I was making them for him… and I wanted to do it. 'Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you.'

I continued the song, the lyrics descending into a soft humming as I lost track of the phrases and was left with nothing but the chorus and my promise. I wasn’t sure how long I lay like that, sending little pieces of myself down the phone line, but when I stopped he didn’t make a sound so I guessed he was a sleep by now.

'Harry?' I asked softly, but there was no response from the other side, just the steady inhale and exhale of his breath. 'Have a nice night.'

I thought about hanging up, but in the end I just rolled onto my side, set the phone on my pillow next to me and soaked in the rhythm of his breathing.

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale…. My eyes won't let me without go sleep now over his breathing sound.


	2. CHAPTER TWO

January 29th – Day 13  
I put the manila pages that caught his medical history on the kitchen table and beside them I put a cup of tea, it was early morning when I decide I had enough of sleeping last night I had the best sleep night ever thank all to Harry, my body shivered cold It was the end of December I put an extra jumper on my pajamas for more warm.  
I can say my tiredness situation was going bad, so Holydays came in the best time I just in the time I needed.  
Liam walked toward me saying:' morning Louie' I looked at him with my glasses on as I said:' morning Liam' he asked as he walked to the cabinet brining a box of cereals from the upper shelf as he said:' had breakfast?' I said looking back to Harry's file:' I'm good' he bring himself a bowl and add some milk to it as he said conversationally:' new patient?'  
I looked at his file trying to sound professional:' meet him week ago' I start reading avoiding any reaction that may I get over talking about Harry… there was picture for him, his name, his age and the whole medical history, Liam said tossed a spoonful of cereals as he said:' the midnight caller?' I nodded remembering his voice… the fuzzy and warm voice that stuck in my mind ' the same' he get closer to my side as he said:' nice boy though, don't you think so?'.  
I pulled the file towards my chest saying:' patient confidentiality, Liam' he smiled saying:' he look beautiful, right?' I said:' don't you have any cats to bring them down tress?' Liam said laughing:' Nupe, but don't worry I'll let the house for you as I'll go see Danielle' I looked back to the file when I said:' sure, be saving then and let me finish my job, and don't tell Danielle my hello' he said:' you know I'll be, and of course your hallo, Lou' he winked tossed his bowl in the sink as he said:' see you later' I smiled watching him leaving I think I just let my mind put myself in his place…getting ready to mate my date…(sighed) the most beautiful feel to feel having someone you feel comfortable with just as you feel it with yourself the feel… this weird feel, feeling in love.  
'Bye, Liam' I looked back to the file I flipped the second page I scanned the paper for anything usual in his file… when my eyes caught two words made my heart slow to be nearly stopped… Attempted Suicide!  
The words blur I tried to carry myself as I walked to walk to the bathroom… I'm not sure if that the flu or the shock from what I had read…I tossed my head under the cold water that made my breath raced and my heart beat faster that most I needed to handle it…  
I continue reading as my hair wetted my clothes with the water drops, Overdose, cuts…History of self harm…  
11th December… it was before a week since I met him; my face was wetted by the water Oh Harry! ... What would you do this to yourself?  
December 31st – Day 15  
I was over thinking about him… I couldn't stop doing this… I know I shouldn't do this anyway but I will be honest I didn't want to stop thinking but really I didn't know why my head force me to keep thinking about him that way, I knew I enjoy the feeling but I know those feeling is never ends well… feeling like this always drive me to the dangerous side from my job when I care damn too much there's a reason why I'm incapable in what I'm doing it just ended up with me hurt and need to recovery.  
I felt relief as I opened his room's door… just as I left him sitting the same way looking to the window with his warming blanket pulled up to his waist phone in the hand as if he waiting someone to call or message…eyes glued to window as the paradise outside I said:' I start thinking you would like to go out' he said:' it's cold outside' I smiled friendly he didn't even look at me.  
I wasn't feeling the same now… I looked at him wondering if he possibly be the same boy who called me late night…with those breathes I fall sleep to…but some where there's a shadows belong to this broken boy with soft slow voice…but he had his walls up now so he was hiding away' doing well then?'  
'Bit headachey; he replied as his phone buzzed… he looked to it.  
I moved from the doorway, as I looked around making a picture of how it would be living in Harry's room look like…his phone charger was plugged into an extension cord by his bed which let the wire go on the floor to an outlet.  
His closet had few pants and jackets hanging up in a row I can see how he liked things organized… and somehow he had no so colorful clothes…black, white and grey just between those three &two pair of shoes on the floor.  
The table beside him had mug, orange notebook… I wonder if those were his diaries pens in plastic cup and frame of him and someone else she was a girl with beautiful smile on their faces, he looked happy:' Who is she?' he looked at me saying:' hmm?' I said signing:' the frame' he looked at it then back his attention his phone:' friend' I knelt looking to their bright faces she was beautiful black haired girl in almost his age, Harry was putting one arm around her waist as she looked at him pointing to something outta the frame, I said:' your school mate?' he looked back at me when he said:' close friend' he paused before he said unsure:' Mom thought it would be nice to have her photo to feel better'.  
'Does she help?' I asked taking my usual seat next to his bed, when he finished what he was writing on his phone then said:' not really'.  
I was surprised from all the pain he got in his answer' Why not?'  
He finally gave me full attention his green eyes gave me a look of shocking and asking, framed by dark lashes that sent shadows into the dark hollows under his eyes he looked tired… beautiful but so tired as if he didn't slept for weeks and he felt as if he didn't too, he said:' because I'm dying' he said this as if I should knew it as if it should be obvious to me.  
He looked at the window trying to swallow his sadness even when he was the one who said that it seems sadder than usual…and it always is sadder than usual every time he has to be the one to remind him he's not okay…and he's simply dying.  
'You really need to change this… you need to get outta of this room' he just look at me questioning I wasn't asking I was going to take him out of here… being sitting in this room made him sadder as if wasn't just going to die but as if he has to wait the death himself and not to forget it's coming thank all to this place he been staying in.  
'Maybe tomorrow' he said as if this answer would make me leave him alone, but I can't accept this answer there was no way I'm going to let him stay here for more minutes his answer wasn't enough to placate me from taking him out.  
'Pile up more tomorrows and you gonna end up with empty yesterdays… and instead of looking to outside why we don't just be out there? What might be stopping you from being there?' he said:' what we are going to do outside?' I said:' we can spend this meeting at asking overly personal questions or just walk out for clean air… free you know'.  
He looked at me realizing in this situation I was right… he want to the change to try the difference, he said:' are you always trying to push the people to do what you want?' I said:' isn't everybody trying to?' he said:' I think I hate this part about you' he slides outta of his bed as he tried to stand up on his unsteady legs I wanted to help him but I knew he would hate it… he still try to keep walls.  
I can see his body was skinny but his shoulders were keeping on his muscular frame yet.  
'That only one thing?' I asked standing and zipped my jacket for warm.  
He gave me a glimpse as he beautiful smile played on his lips as he said:' only this one thing' I smiled as he said motion toward the door:' would close the door I'm trying to change here!'  
'You don't really need to change, they look good on you…and it's only walk' I said as he took an outfit outta of the suitcase underneath his own bed as he looked at me seriously when I said:' you would look beautiful in anything' his eyes widen as he said:' you have no idea how many days I've been wearing those'  
I cracked a smile saying:' I'm so sure I don't want to know'  
He made a swirling motion with his fingers. 'Turn around. The clothes are coming off.'  
For a moment my body didn't want to move but luckily my brain took over control as remind me that creeping on patients –even the cute one with lovely green angelic eyes- not something good to therapist to do.  
I turned distracting myself looking into my bag, I still have the fault in our stars in my bag'  
'How do I look, on scale 1to10?' he asked as he gave me a full turn.  
'Maybe 8.9' I answered with a grin on my face, he wore a Ramones black t-shirt that hung loosely on his body and a pair of tight blue jeans that hugged the long line of his long line of his legs, my 8.9 was nothing compare to what he's really look he looked like a model for an expensive cologne even with the dark lines under his eyes and his missy wavy hair he looked beautiful, some of sort I felt something in beautiful broken things make it even more beautiful and that was him.  
'hmm, that was beatific… but thank you' I said:' I laid I give you 10' he looked at me and said:' really thank you but I'm stratified with 8.9' I said:' no really 10 are fair' he said:' okay you scaled' he wetted his lips looking around he put his phone in his coat, them put his hair a side… I'm getting lost here!  
He winked to me as he said:' what like what you see, Louie?' I laughed as I said:' getting cheeky aren't we?' he walked toward the door.  
'Its part of my charm' he didn't lost the wall he had earlier but there was warmth in him something he didn't let me feel it but he was ready to show it now a bit… just a bit maybe he wasn't so hard to crack after all, I said maybe.  
Smuggling him out of the hospital turned out to be a pretty easy task... It didn’t take more than a soft smile of mine and some words about how the pretty receptionist was it was enough to replace her suspicious glare with a blush, I didn't even had to use my other weapons not the look or the touch… I just have to save those for the next time.  
He looked to the sky and I kept trying to pull him away from the cars side, as if it was his first, heavy with premonitions of snow and I worried briefly about my trip home. Hopefully we’d avoid any major snowstorms until I was safely backed in my apartment.  
'Where are we heading?' he asked looking at me.  
'Depends on if you like cup of coffee and cupcakes?' leading him away from the cars who slowed for the traffic jam.  
'You are not seriously meant anything behind this question, do you?' he stopped walking taking his hand away from mine looking at me waiting for answer to come along after his question.  
I let soft laugh out of as I said: 'I was just make sure you would love the place we heading' I slipped my hands into my pockets as chilly wind whipped moving my hair a side and chilling my nose a bit.  
Smile cracking his face with a tiny upward tilt of his soft lips that warmed me up softly but with feel of long inhaled…effected!  
He put his collar around his chin for warmth as his hand shoved deep in his pockets as if he could physically fight the coldness, his face was pink and his breath wreathed his features like smoke in the air, his hair moved a bit with his shiver as he said:' I forgot what the winter smelled and feel like' he had a lungful of air into his chest.  
'You don't really get out that much, Do you?' I asked tried to sound as it normal question to avoid the stab of remind him of the sadness I tired to get him out from, when I realized touching his words again… this is gonna be his last winter… last time he would be standing under snow in 31st December, last time he would be able to live the same day next year.  
'No' he said trying to sound normal curling up to himself… and I felt a little bit regretted to ask him this, we walked in silence for two or three blocks… all the things I might be say had gone and he didn't mind share silence with me any way.  
I pointed to the small bakeshop as I said:' we are here' I took his arm as I pushed the door when small bell by the door rang… the place was warm and so comfy the warmth took the coldness chill away, it was one of my favorite quit places.  
Harry's eyes widened as he look around the small tables, the jazz paints here and there, the windows were decorated with the curtains, the dim light mixed with the winter day make it so comfortable and the beautiful music the played smoothly in the air with the low conversation the customer have here that wasn't so clear even with the cloth everywhere was make the noise as less as it possible made it all perfect for the weather, I sign to Danielle at the counter he creamy dress made her look so nice as she walked toward us saying:' hey, Louie!'.  
'Hey Danny' Harry tagged behind me when I looked at him saying:' Harry…this Danielle, remember Danielle?'  
He smiled warmly to her as he shacked her hand saying:' Liam's Danielle?' she smiled in surprised the he recognized her.  
I tried to act as no impressed by his much attention but no way I had to can't fight it, I said:' the same Danielle'.  
Danielle in other hand was impressed too as she looked at me saying:' you told him about me, Louie?'  
'Only few nice things' I assured her, unzipping my coat as the warmth of the shop crept to my body and into my bones' so what's fresh?'  
She said:' I had chocolate cupcake before minute I think it's delicious one you gotta taste it' I looked at Harry saying:' like chocolate?' he nodded me said:' we okay with that' she said:' wanna a drink?' I said:' tea the usual way. You Harry?' he said:' the same' I was stuck for his low husky quality of his beautiful voice, I didn't realize how much did I miss.  
'Have the table you want I'll be right back, okay?' he nodded; he moved toward the window in the corner of the shop near to the jazz paint… he sit there watching me.  
I followed Danielle as if he becomes outta of his ear shot she said:' oh my god Louis… he's so cute… your children gonna be the cutest things ever walked on the earth Oh MY GOD!!!'  
I raised an eyebrow surprised of her reaction of meeting Harry then fixed her with a LOOK saying:' First. Guess what? I'm his therapist so you can get the medical impossibility, second. Guess again we are not dating he's a patient and outta of all of all of this he wouldn't date a boy… at least for what I know'  
Her face fell for a while then said in back up:' but you like him, don't you?'  
'Of course I like him Danielle he is my patient there's no reason I won't' I tried to keep my voice low as she prepared our drinks as I continue:' we are not together so let the idea leave your head please'.  
'So, he's straight?' she asked looking at me, when I thought a bit:' I donnu' I paused then said:' and even if he's not he wouldn't date me I mean I'm not a gay so don't miss up things Danielle' I said in serious tone.  
She looked at him then said: I don't really care about what he is? What I'm sure about is…this boy kinda of like you I mean he stuck to you as if you his protective body when you entered this place, his eyes glued on you as if you his life, this looks can't be normal… and god Louis he look so cute…he moving his hair God Louis it curly hair he can't get any cuter, you gotta have a chance with him'  
I flicked my eyes back over to Harry, who was busy looking to the Jazz paint as he tried to see if there's any sign for me back. She was right, he was cute, very, incredibly unfairly cute. He was also someone I was supposed to help through their time of need, not have a crush on them. It would be completely inappropriate and it also can end up with both of us hurt. 'It wouldn’t be professional.'  
'Give it a chance Louie… you look good together' I looked to my feet when she said rubbing my arm:' you need to be with someone too… you don't have to be lonely 'cause of what you are Louis' she smiled as she joked:' I still think you kids gonna be the most cute thing ever walked on the earth' she tossed me the tray when I took it carefully:' you and me Danielle no longer friends don't you ever talk to me again'  
'I love you too Boo Bear!!' she said giggling at me, this girl know how exactly how to make me sad and how to turn it back all to the comedy sea that's why I want her and Liam married someday.  
I looked at Harry who took one of tea cup as he smiled saying:' Boo Bear?' he took a sip of his own drink trying not to laugh on my nickname.  
I cringed though, if I was honest, the nickname did amuse me. 'Liam heard my Mom call me that once. Still haven’t managed to live it down.'  
He took another sip from his drink; he looked at me into the eye as he smiled:' it's cute'.  
You're Cute.  
I frozen as I processed the new thought that just landed in my head… my poor head Oh God!!I'm killing Danielle for what she did to my brain.  
'Are you okay?' he said questioning, when I said:' yea' it was clear, I looked missy 'cause of Danielle's stupid ideas… she's dead.  
Harry smiled as he grabbed one of the cupcakes he scraped a bit with his forefinger, licking it off, he didn't look at me as he said:' Louis?'  
'Yes, Harry?'  
'You read my file, don't you?' it wasn't a question for me of course I would stayed on all of those pages 'till I finished them all, what caught me the sad expression that his voice had, that mixed of guilty? I guess.  
'Yea, you told me to do it and I did' I said kind of regretted 'cause somehow what I done was reason for this expression now, and this look silly as if this part of my job.  
'It’s probably best that you know.' He sighed, and I noticed the way he rested his left arm on the table underside down like it was a habit. I reached out, resting my forefinger and thumb on his wrist, silently asking his permission.  
He had frozen gazing my finger motion, holding perfectly still. I hold his arm in my hand I lift his sleeve up there was still banded ones, my eyes caught the red scares on his arm there were seven I let my fingertips touching them slowly I felt my heart ache and my breath become deeper and slower the cuts were deep and neat he was serious about it, it wasn't just bad habit of cutting… he wanted to finish his life.  
I let my fingers run over them I felt him shivering at my touches and for a moment I wondered if I gone too far, but he didn't take his arm away merely letting his eyes flutter shut and clenching his hand into fist.  
'Why did you do that to yourself?' I asked softly, feeling strange feel for a moment as if there's sometime between the arriving and sitting that take much as we know, this sitting end us up in our little world.  
'Because I was tired of feeling the same feel over and over again, it ended up with me feeling nothing and…' he sighed wiping a tear away as he said:' I couldn't deal with losing feels 'cause with out them I was lost… that the whole medication can help me to get my feel back'.  
'Does it help?' I knew the answer before he tells but it was part of the road to make him realize what he's missing.  
'No'.  
'But you thought killing yourself would help you to get them back, right?' I asked as I put my arms toward him to let him know I want him to converse me more 'cause we finally got somewhere… it's tuff but it's important.  
'No' he paused, as he glanced at the table and slid his arm away from my hand down his sleeve, it was his body defensing himself from me, he curled up a little he wanted to avoid me, but in the same time he wanted to finish this, he wants to fill me everything I had to know… and he wanted me to know.  
'Then why you did this?' as a part of my work I dealt with so many different suicide in different forms and I would say whatever the reasons they had it was only silly ideas… nobody seemed to fit to be suicide whatever the reasons he had and Harry Styles was no exception.  
He seemed trying to find the right way to say the answer for my question the one that would maybe make it sense for me, he took long sip of his tea then said:' I died year ago. It was only depend on catching my body up for the longest time it could'.  
'You're not dead Harry, you have chance to make new bright life you lucky to have six months to live so why you just want spend them dying 'till it really happen?' I realized I was holding his shoulders shaking him hoping he would see what he choose to miss… the fate he choice for months ago now.  
'But I'm dying this is can't be ignorable' he replied tears slid down his face.  
'So am I' I hissed back.  
'But that's different' he replied and I can feel the broke in his voice that he tried to make sound strong but he failed.  
'No, it's not different, Harry… you know I can walk out of this door and I would be crashed by car, I could slip on the ice outside breaking my skull, I could just get heart attack even when I'm not having any heart troubles but human dies a lot with it with out any previous alter these days for God's sake Harry It doesn't mean I would waste entire life 'cause one day my time will be up all and I'm going to die… do you understand what I'm trying to tell you, Harry? Look you can't think about life as only life with out any death and you can't think about death as its only death without any life… they complete each other so you can punish the entirely to give you death young… Harry there's beautiful things we wouldn't be able to feel if it didn't up with us dead'.  
He looked at me' like what?' he asked softly.  
'Like friends you make, love you got and many it wouldn't mean anything if we stayed immoral that what make our life a life that what make it beautiful and choose to deal with the death part forgetting why the death is existing for, you have to feel it live a real life with it dealing with the reality its coming'.  
'But I can't' he said softly filled with such sadness and somehow guilty maybe he was really broken beyond the fragile repair 'I'm falling Louis, I've been falling for so long time I'm afraid that I for got how to stop to even to slow the fall anymore'.  
'Even if you fall Harry the only different between fall and fly is the way you land on the end' I said feeling those words I had read before something I thought about over and over again, I said softly:' you can say my job is to be your wings in this fall' I felt what my words meant I was nearly promising again… for a reason I would do whatever for him just to save him in the end even if took my entirely.  
'Okay' he said leaning back to the seat as he looked to snow falling as he said not giving me a glance:' I'm sorry' I sipped my drink not saying a word when I realized what just he said.  
'Sorry for what?' he looked into my eyes:' to be such hard to be fixed' I surprised as I said:' you shouldn't apologize not of this is your fault you didn't want yourself to be like this and that what going to save you in the end'.  
He slowly smiled it was sad one but true one, hopeful one I guess, I took deep breath as I smiled back, his smile went wider as he wiped his tears something make me really , really want to jump across the table to hug and tell him it's fine.  
I took a bit of my cupcake I surprised as I said:' Strawberry frosting, I thought it just pink!'  
Harry smiled for the late notice as he raised his cupcake to his lips he bit it when I asked:' Harry, do you like to eat your favorite things first or you like to let the best to the end of the plate?'  
'I think I like to leave it to the end, why you ask?' I said:' that's good sign' I bit huge bit from my cupcake he said:' what doesn't mean' I said:' people who leave the best for the end are patient and more mindful' he smiled saying:' sound old' I surprised of his answer then I just laughed as he laughed too.  
'Who made the cupcake the king of eating the cupcake today?' I asked playfully as he smiled saying:' cupcake?!is that what you just called me' he caught the nickname I just gave him as I said:' yea, I did' I raised my cup to have another sip then I said:' you like it?' he was looking to his cupcake he looked at me, then said:' just promise you would be the only one who call me that'.  
I smiled realizing I just have something to share with him only him and only me… maybe silly but it wasn't for me.  
He looked at the snow as his eyes flick open growing wider:' Louis, it's snowing'  
I looked through the glass, my gaze falling on the thick white flakes swirling in the winter air, resting in the gutters and on the sidewalk like the smallest brushing of sugar. 'It’s lovely.'  
'Can we walk through it?' he asked sort of awed smile settled on his pink lips, that looked my brain for a while it felt home…comfy smile made me feel home his expression open and childish and like he didn’t have a care in the world. In that moment, the snow swirling in the crisp night, I think he’d forgotten he was falling.  
I put my coat on so is he, as we both walked out of the bakeshop under the white flakes swirling in the chilly winter air, resting on the street and the trees on them it looked like the smallest brushing of sugar, he was smiling in awed and happily when I looked at him, his cheeks were flushing, I notice he didn't zip his jacket well, I did it for him he looked to my hand then smiled saying:' oh thank you, that was nice' I tried to avoid looking to him as I said:' welcome' avoiding for no reason but I fleshed too… didn't want him to see that.  
He stood under the small flake as he let the snow fall on his hair, he said:' I can be tree' I smiled walking toward him:' and how it that?' he said:' I can let the snow fall on me without moving' I laughed saying:' that's childish' he said:' it's not do you have an idea that we all turn to trees' I asked:' and how is that?' he said:' when you go sleep you don't move but you stay a life just like trees' I raise an eyebrow when he started to laugh for no reason I said:' what?' he shook his head as he bitted his lower lip saying:' you had to watch your face when you raised your eyebrow… you look funny' I smiled nearly laughed.  
It was chilling cold but somehow I wasn't feeling this, I was warm… my heart made me this way as he rushed the heat through my veins and that heated my bones, I didn't want to admit this but for God's sake he made this way… Harry made me this way.  
We walked back to the hospital the snow was making the street just like our wonderland' I never liked the winter; I felt it was the most boring time in the year… I even heard that suicides happen most in this time' I said:' you'll surprise to know that's because the sun… sun makes us happy and that because we don't have sunny times a lot' he said:' good I thought people find winter the best time to die in' I said:' the weather made them feel this way'.  
'It's beautiful, isn't it?' he said removing the snow flaked away of his coat.  
'You'll surprise with how many beautiful things surround you but you never give a clue to notice them' he made amuse noise.  
'You are kind of philosophical' I smiled saying ' but I'm not… I just keep my eyes open' he smiled saying:' well, I like how that sounded'  
He turns to me as if he remembered something:' you should meet Lana and Zayn you should have deep- quotes battle together' I said:' I would win' he said:' why you are so sure?' I said:' I know how to use my advantages and that would keep me the best in the race'  
'Don't be so sure they both smart and kind of philosophical too' 'Don’t be so sure.' He took a slow turn, letting his arms rise up away from his body. I just watched him spin, closing his eyes and turning like if he tried hard enough he could float away.  
I watched as his feet slipped from under him and he careened into my arms, his weight folding into my chest.  
He looked up at me dizzily, his green eyes holding my blues as the orange light reflected on his face skin, when snowflakes melting on his porcelain skin.  
'I’ve got you.' I reassured him, tightening my grip around his waist not to let him fall.  
He just smiled, looking completely at peace. 'I know.'  
I realized then that Harry was wrong; he wasn’t hard to fix, he just needed someone who would… someone who would be patient give him all what he needs to trust, trying truly and hard was the key to fix the broken pieces of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this was the second chapter… I really love to know what do you think about this one contact me let me know your opinion, I'm a good listener.  
> Honestly this one made me think deeply about the usual boring things I should do through my days, I should turn that somehow to meaningful, everybody should… we don't have to wait our last 180 Days to change our lives when we can have entirely good one, life is priceless what make it like that is death just remember that.  
> Today is August 22, 2014 it's my Ex best friend birthday, I wish to her the best day ever full of joy and endless happiness, I know she wouldn't read that ever and we two don't even contact but I felt like wanted to do a wish for her anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first chapter, I hope you like it… I read a note for Robin who wrote CMIF, talked about two words 'Love & infinities' I think the first one was always my favorite 'cause how it such hard to be found but the other it seem for me as a dream but it can't be real? As long as the clock ticking I think everything is impossible, so what do you think about the first chapter? Please let me know comment here or just go to any of my Facebook or Twitter accounts feel free to tell me whatever-xxAB.


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